Nokia Lumia? More like Poo-mia! Amirite?

So today was the big day for Nokia and Microsoft.  They’ve been gearing up for today for months now, preparing for the big product announcement in New York City.

I have to preface this post right off the bat to say I’m actually a big fan of the Nokia Windows phone, in fact my phone is a Lumia 900.  Also, like Bruce Wayne believes in Harvey Dent, I believe in Windows 8.  It’s not the OS we deserve, but the OS we need right now.  So the inevitable stream of negative to downright hostile diatribe to follow must be construed as, oh let’s call it “constructive criticism.”

Ok, let’s get down to business.  I’m not what you would call an “expert” on things like press events, or announcing new products, but I’m pretty sure that if you massively hype up an event 6 months in advance, you had damn well better bring your ‘A’ game.  You had better blow our collective asses out of the water.  What we got from Nokia and Microsoft wasn’t even their ‘B’ game, it’s was hovering somewhere around their ‘F’ game.  That would be ‘F’ as in such popular words as “Fail.”

There wasn’t a single thing at their press release today that was even mildly surprising, pretty much everything new they had to show was already common knowledge, leaked on the internet days and weeks before.  Some of the “revolutionary” new features like city lens, I’ve had on my Luima 900 for almost two weeks already.  All in all, it seemed a lot more like Nokia was announcing a new camera than a new phone.  I swear they couldn’t stop gushing about the fucking camera on this thing.  A camera with such unheard of things as “image stabilization”, and some newfangled thing called a “BSI” sensor.  They did show off some somewhat gimmicky but sort of neat after affect type apps, like animating parts of the frame, or erasing unwanted components of the image, but those deserve a footnote at best, not front and center attention.

Despite all the blathering on, they manage to say remarkably little of any real use or relevance to the people who are actually going to buy this stuff.  How much do they cost?  When are they available?  How long will it go on a charge?  Which carriers will be picking them up?   In my opinion these are the real meat and potatoes of any product announcement.  Don’t bore me with any other bullshit unless it’s really gonna blow my ass away.  In this regard, they should take a page from apple’s playbook, they know how to announce a new product.  Then again, they might sue your ass if you do that.

Let’s get to the actual presentation itself.  Stephan Elop did a decent job of Bookending the whole presentation.  I mean as the CEO of Nokia, you would expect him to get up there and say a few flattering words about his company.  He performed as expected, with adequate speaking skills, if a little wooden.  For the other three presenters, two from Nokia and one from Microsoft, it was nothing short of a train wreck.  A stuttering, mumbling, awkward, sweaty under armed train wreck with all the personality of a potato.  When the presenters weren't dazzling you with their lack of public speaking skills, you can marvel at the technicians scurrying around the stage, trying in vain to get failed demo’s to work properly.  Breathtaking.  Just when you thought you couldn’t take anymore of this whirlwind extravaganza of showmanship, Steve Ballmer himself popped by to talk about….oh Christ, I have no idea, I think I was in a coma at this point.

As a consumer, and owner of a Lumia 900,  this is what I have taken away from the presentation:
The 920 has wireless charging, NFC, a slightly better camera, and a higher res screen.  Other than that, it’s the same as the phone I already have.  Sure, you can make an argument about the new dual core processor, the increased RAM and storage space, and the new OS. but here’s what I have to say to that.
“What does it DO for me?  Really, what does a dual core processor MEAN to me in daily use?” 
The answer of course, is nothing.  We have reached a point where specs don’t really mean much anymore, it’s about the experience.  What can I experience on the new 920 that I can’t on my 900?  In my oh so humble opinion, very little.

The whole reason why I’m tearing into these guys right now is because Microsoft really needed this to be great.  They really needed to add some validity to their new OS.  There is so much rhetoric floating around about it being to little to late, not able to compete with IOS and Android.  This was a great chance to show the world what they are made of.  Well shit guys, get it together!

I don’t know about you, but I’m getting a little tired of all this bullshit. Call me when you have a price.  Call me when I can go buy one.  Call me when you actually have something new and interesting to say.  But most importantly, call me from your new Windows phone.

-jer