Much too Old to Feel This Damn Young

I’m a mind reader you know.  I know exactly what you are thinking right now, and it goes a little something like this.

“Oh for the love of Neil deGrasse Tyson, it’s been two months since there has been a new post from this asshole.  I though he had finally lost interest in polluting the internet with his insane rambling and gibberish.”
Well, I regret to inform you dear readers, that I have in fact, not given up on this blog.  If you were to click on the link to my photography site, you will notice that it no longer goes anywhere.  I did have to give that up, simple economics really.  It was costing me $150.00 a year, and was recently upped to $250.00 a year. 

After running the site for 3 years, I have made a total of $40.00 in sales.  You don’t have to be a math wizard, (or mathemagician as they like to be called) to figure that one out.  As for the blog itself, it’s not going anywhere, last year I wrote 35 posts at an average of 1000 words each.  This year I regret to inform you that you will likely have to endure another 35,000 words, possibly more.  So, as they say to inmates facing the death penalty, (according to movies) “may God have mercy on your soul.” 
It’s been a wild couple of months, hence the lack of updates.  I moved into a new place, I continue to grow sicker, and the medical powers that be still don’t seem to be taking me seriously.  It’s seems that as long as I’m still on my feet, they don’t appear to give a damn about my health.  I’ve also fallen into complete and total financial ruin.  Don’t worry, it was self imposed and necessary.  I am not ashamed, it was the right thing to do.  As I posted on my facebook a few months ago, “Sometimes, if you want new growth, you have to burn down the old forest.”

I’m starting to see some saplings.

Enough of that shit.  Let’s get to the point of this post.  Here’s a though that has been rattling around in my so-called brain for a while now.  It’s has to do with comparing ones self to the expected societal norms.  As soon as you mention something like that, brace for a torrent of quips about being your own person, not caring what other people think, etc. etc.  The truth of the matter is that everyone does it, if you claim that your never have, your are a liar, or deluding yourself.  Either way, I hereby sentence you to 30 minutes of quiet introspection.  May dog have mercy on your bowl.

Now, by commonly accepted standards, I could (should?) have a family by now, also a career, and my own home.  Where does this metric come from?  Well, some of it comes out of the societal ether, some of it comes from the influences in my life.  No small influence is of course my father.  Where was he at 35?  Where am I right now?  I can tell you they are a far cry from each other.  I know that every one is different, I know that that different people have different priorities and different life experiences that shape them if different ways.  I just can’t seem to shake the feeling that NOT having all these “normal” things, like children and a career have a negative connotation.  I could technically have a teenager by now.  Really?  I look around my house, books, movies, video games, computer, consoles….It would be a like a teenager raising a teenager.  I sure as hell don’t feel qualified for that sort of responsibly, nor do I desire it.  I can’t even manage myself, let alone a mini-me.

I feel like I’m suffering from Peter Pan syndrome.  My body has gotten older, but my mind didn’t follow suit.  I am an adult, it’s easy to say that, but for me, it’s much harder to DO that, be an adult.  I don’t feel like it.  I can’t escape from that childhood feeling that adults have all the answers, and take care of everything.  If I don’t, and I can’t, am I?  Is being a grown-up a physical state?  Or just a state of mind?

That’s a lot of questions.   I know one thing, it’s all a matter of perspective.  Way back in high school, all us teenagers were petty, overly emotion, insecure, and immature.  We were all trying to figure ourselves out, who we were, who we are, who we will become.  Years later, everyday you meet people who, are petty, overly emotional, insecure, and immature.  I think even the most together people you ever meet have some sort of emotional train wreck they are trying to clean up, you simply cannot travel through life without packing some bags.  How scary does that sound?  A whole world full of people masquerading as responsible grown-ups.  No offence to those of you who truly have all your shit together.  You magnificent bastards you!

I know what I need to do.  I need to shuffle away the expectations that I think people place on me.  I need to be ok with the fact that I will not be living my life the way my dad has, or the way that the model of standardized society expects.  There is no correct way to do it.  You have to make your own life, I truly envy people who have got that figured out.

As for me, I will continue to struggle against the artificial insecurities, limitations, and hang-ups that I have placed on myself.  Someday I hope to truly find my own path, and travel down it without compunction.  I can’t feel guilty for being who I am.  If I can’t manage that, then blog have mercy on my goal.

-jer