This is my Blog, on it I simply write stuff that I feel like writing about. You'll find it heavily slanted towards tech, games, entertainment and the like. I write about other stuff too, and somethings I write about things. I also do photography, the link is on your right.

Friday, 27 July 2012

In late 2008, something happened...I had just turned a relativly large corner in my life, Things started to get a little bit wonky in my brain.  These wonkinesses seemed to manifest themselves in the form of...let's day "odd" facebook updates.  I present to you dear reader, for your scrutiny and enjoyment, the great facebook madness.  All the entries you are about to see are 100% real and unedited, veiwer discretion is advised.

Jeremy Melchior is BATMAN!!
October 16, 2008 at 15:28

Jeremy Melchior has shot the food
October 20, 2008 at 17:41

Just a few blips on the radar, nothing to out of the ordinary for me anyway, but then a month later:  

Jeremy Melchior thinks that cyclops he met the other day was winking at him
November 20, 2008 at 20:04

Jeremy Melchior is on to all of you. Robots! Every last one of you! With your gears, and your clanking around and whatnot. Don't think I don't know.
November 26, 2008 at 12:52

Jeremy Melchior thinks mammoths are assholes.
December 2, 2008 at 23:08

Jeremy Melchior just realized the the correct answer to any mathematical equation is a whale. This changes everything!
December 18, 2008 at 17:38

Jeremy Melchior thinks finkle and Einhorn are in it together, but how? and why?
December 31, 2008 at 18:51

Why would that be my last posr of the year? Clearly I had important business on my mind.

Jeremy Melchior si gnikaeps ni edoc
January 6, 2009 at 12:53

Jeremy Melchior is a secret society, all by himself, no you can't join
January 10, 2009 at 18:54

Jeremy Melchior is oogaboogabooga!!!!!
January 31, 2009 at 18:11

Jeremy Melchior wants you to touch his awesome button....touch it.
April 5, 2009 at 16:34

Jeremy Melchior is a hooker with a heart of gold.
April 24, 2009 at 16:06

Then things really start to do south on me:

Jeremy Melchior is beginning to think that a golden retriever can't drive a car at all. So much for my brilliant plan. It's ok, plan B. All i need is a cookie sheet, a carburetor from a 85 tempo, a roll of duct tape and a live chicken.
May 3, 2009 at 12:16

Jeremy Melchior If you were driving down the highway, and you met yourself going the other way, do you wave? And do you wave back at yourself?
May 11, 2009 at 11:08

Jeremy Melchior you pick up a camera, and browse the photos on it. It contains pictures of you, standing exactly where you are right now, looking at the photos on a camera.
May 13, 2009 at 16:19

Jeremy Melchior I bought a CD the other day, it had no music on it, just a recording of me arguing with somebody. I went to return it the next day, as I argued with the clerk about wanting to return it, I realized that's what was on the CD.
May 22, 2009 at 23:54

Jeremy Melchior I would like to go one day back in time, I'd kill my past self and take his place, nobody would be the wiser. Even better, I could wait until the next day, go back in time again, 1 minute after I killed myself, and kill my other self. Repeat as needed f
May 23, 2009 at 17:39

Jeremy Melchior Now that I know about time travel, I decided to play a little joke on myself. I went back in time and secretly recorded an argument between my past self and store clerk about returning a CD, I then went a little farther back in time and planted the recor
May 24, 2009 at 21:56

This message is cut off for some reason, but you get the idea.

Jeremy Melchior I think there is something wrong with my bathroom mirror. This morning when I got up and stood in front of it, all I could see was the back of my head, my reflection was facing the same was as me.
May 26, 2009 at 18:07

Jeremy Melchior I had trouble getting out of the house this morning. The front door just lead back into the house for some reason. I tried the bathroom door, but that just lead to the storage closet. The linen closet door lead to the bedroom. Finally I just crawled out the window.
May 31, 2009 at 18:01

Jeremy Melchior This morning when I got up, the shower was spraying orange juice, the towel racks had pancakes instead of towels, the soap bar was bacon, and there was cereal in the toilet bowl, I thought to myself, "It's gonna be a breakfasty kind of day."
June 2, 2009 at 19:22

Jeremy Melchior is currently sleeping. Which begs two questions. 1) how the hell did i write this? and 2)Where the hell are my pants?
June 4, 2009 at 21:33

Jeremy Melchior the sun was being a dick this morning. It started to rise as per usual, but then it ducked back down behind the horizon. I know it was there, I could hear it giggling to itself
June 9, 2009 at 19:19

Jeremy Melchior The other day I was wandering through the forest when a bear jumped out from behind a tree. I slowly backed away, knowing you're not suppose to run. To my surprise he said, "spare some change?" "What would a bear need change for?" I asked. "For the bus" I gave him some, but I knew he was going to spend it on booze.
June 15, 2009 at 16:38

Jeremy Melchior just realized that he's been speed-walking everywhere in slow motion.
June 16, 2009 at 22:58

Jeremy Melchior when I was young I had an imaginary friend that was a zombie named Gary. I didn't realize he wasn't actually imaginary until one day I came home from school and he had eaten our neighbors, the Hendersons. We had to move.
June 26, 2009 at 21:52

Jeremy Melchior isn't Jeremy
June 29, 2009 at 19:37

That is a little troubling...

Jeremy Melchior Last night I was asleep and dreaming that I was asleep and dreaming that I was asleep and dreaming that I was asleep and dreaming that I was awake, which I was.
July 5, 2009 at 8:29

Jeremy Melchior I remember the last time a traveled by bus. Halfway through the trip, we were boarded by pirates. They plundered all of our booty and scuttled us. There wasn't really a plank anywhere to make us walk, so they just made us walk to the next town.
July 6, 2009 at 13:39

Jeremy Melchior was attacked by an axe murderer the other day. He was wielding a machete . When he swung at me much to my surprise (and his) the blade bounced right off. Turns out axe murderers can only use axes. Who knew?
July 21, 2009 at 16:46

Jeremy Melchior I'll never forget the day my twin met his evil twin brother. I tell you, where would the world be without hastily dug shallow graves?
July 29, 2009 at 17:41

Jeremy Melchior was eaten by a yeti.
August 11, 2009 at 21:47

Jeremy Melchior was regurgitated by a yeti.
August 12, 2009 at 19:39

Jeremy Melchior is best friends with a yeti.
August 13, 2009 at 18:35

Jeremy Melchior just found out a yeti has been spreading all kinds of awful rumours about me, what a jerk.
August 14, 2009 at 18:30

Jeremy Melchior Blacked out. When I woke up, I was covered in Yeti blood and fur. I guess this ends the saga of the yeti.
August 15, 2009 at 17:44

Jeremy Melchior was eaten by an abominable snowman. Just kidding, they don't exist.
August 16, 2009 at 10:17

Jeremy Melchior I've been writing the same thing on this update for 3 weeks now. Tomorrow, I'll start again, the same thing, but none of you will remember.
August 16, 2009 at 22:22

Jeremy Melchior I've been writing the same thing on this update for 3 weeks now. Tomorrow, I'll start again, the same thing, but none of you will remember.
August 17, 2009 at 17:35

Jeremy Melchior has not had a single problem with a yeti so far today. I've been yeti free for days now. Yeti.
August 18, 2009 at 16:15

I really don't know what's with the yeti...

Jeremy Melchior I was sitting at the computer the other day, and a fuzzy black thing fell from the ceiling. As I looked up, more of them started to fall. Soon it was falling like snow. Its smelled like ashes. It started getting very hot, the wall were turning red. Then I started to hear wailing and screaming. I tell you, living next door to a volcano with a roller coaster over it sucks.
August 21, 2009 at 18:01

Jeremy Melchior I was about to get into my car this morning to drive to work when I noticed a very large bee had become trapped in there. I asked him politely if he would leave, but apparently he didn't want to. I said fine, but I have to get to work. He told me he would leave my car if I let him drive. Turns out, bees can drive a stick shift like a motherfucker.
September 10, 2009 at 18:27

Jeremy Melchior woke up this morning 10 minutes behind reality. Very odd, no people, no sounds, nothing. Everyone and everything was ten minutes in the future. All that was left was the empty shell of the past. Damn inconvenient, my present self took my car to work, I had to walk all the way there. He ate my breakfast too.
September 17, 2009 at 20:18

Jeremy Melchior I wish I was the inventor of bacon. Then people would be like, "hey, what's up?" I'd be all like, "not much, just invented bacon." They'd be like, "awesome!" Then I'd be like, "I know!"
September 24, 2009 at 17:30

Jeremy Melchior One time I got hopelessly lost in the amazonian rain forest. Days and days I wandered, i got to the end of my rope, my feet were swollen, I was covered in bug bites, I was sick with god knows what. I'm my delirium, I asked a monkey for directions to the nearest town, turns out he had a car. He drove me out, all I had to do was pay for gas.
September 26, 2009 at 21:29

Jeremy Melchior was driving down the road tonight, when the clouds above me suddenly got dark and foreboding.They swirled around,the wind picked up.A funnel cloud raced down from the sky,with a flash of lighting,a figure appeared on the road ahead of me.He was astride a mighty steed,30ft tall or more.His fiery eyes drilled into my soul.He pointed at me."Jeremy," he said with a voice like booming thunder,"your cell bill is overdue!"
October 20, 2009 at 20:11

Jeremy Melchior the other morning I was getting ready for my day.Got cleaned up,put some clothes on,and walked into the living room.Then I realized that I had no clothes on.Funny I could have sworn I just did that.No matter,back to the bedroom,put on some clothes.Got to the kitchen,I have no clothes on.It happened about a dozen times before I could finally leave the house.
November 6, 2009 at 11:36

Jeremy Melchior you know in movies when they go to an insane asylum and there's always that one inmate that they keep permanently eff'ed up so all they do is drool on themselves and stare at the wall? Yeah, I want that.
November 11, 2009 at 0:02

I think this is about when I started to realize how wierd things had gotten.

Jeremy Melchior has discovered that the difference between a duck is mile and a quarter of blue water vapor. Wrapped up in a broken hair style of bacon encrusted happy pants. The co-processor of this happenstance is the root of lemon boozed carp. Sky shoes in the dark horse trap are bungled zippers.
November 14, 2009 at 13:34

...but I couldn't seem to stop

Jeremy Melchior is scratatonically frumpdillious
December 4, 2009 at 0:29

Jeremy Melchior i see his beady little eyes everywhere i go. this is the perfect time for a yeti to be stalking me, with the snow and all. I'm no fool though, i know he's out there, watching, waiting...i'll be ready.
December 6, 2009 at 21:47

Jeremy Melchior had a dream last night that a vampire was stalking me and trying to turn me to evil. When she caught me she said, "life is the only thing worth dying for." I woke up and I was like, "did I just blow my own mind? In my sleep?" A quick Google search and turns out it's some crappy movie that nobody has heard of that came out in 2004.

Jeremy Melchior If 2009 was a villain in a movie, today would be like when you thought the villain was FINALLY dead, but it come back one more time to try and kill you. Eff you 09.

Interesting, interesting indeed....

Jeremy Melchior Yesterday, when I got to work, the parking lot was already full, everything except cars. Horse and buggies, rickshaws, go-karts, the odd airplane. Finally I found a space, just before I pulled in, a cow, suspended by a balloon, swooped in and stole it from me. Just as I suspected, cows are parking spot stealers.
January 4, 2010 at 12:51

Jeremy Melchior On the way home tonight I followed a single cab pickup most of the way. We stopped at a red light. The man in the truck slowly started to turn his head to the right, it kept turning and turning until he was facing me directly. He had a creepy grin on his face. The light turned green and he drove off, still facing me.
January 6, 2010 at 19:24

Jeremy Melchior sometimes I Push the listen button on my apartments intercom just to see if there is anyone standing at the front door, talking about me, and plotting.
March 12, 2010 at 0:04

Notice the dates, the crazy updates are getting farther apart

Jeremy Melchior if you find yourself lost in the wilderness, and you hear what appears to be human laughter, common knowledge is that it is a Canadian loon. As their call can sound like laughter. However, this is false, it's actually tree spirits, and they are coming to kill you.
March 15, 2010 at 8:32

Jeremy Melchior I have absolutely nothing funny, creative, insightful, goofy, weird, odd, offbeat, insane, intelligent, rude, clever, or stupid to say. I must be slipping.
April 25, 2010 at 22:14

I think the worst of it is almost over.

Jeremy Melchior to who ever signed an organ donor card, and by that action created a small miracle for my mom, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
May 24, 2010 at 23:54

This was an important day, fun fact, this comment holds my person record fo the amount of "likes" it got.

Jeremy Melchior today I was walking through the parking lot on my lunch break, when I saw a little green blob of goo on the ground, about the size of a football. It had 2 beady little eyeballs on stalks. When it saw me it started making a little warbling noise and began to follow me. It made a little slurpy sucking noise as it moved. I guess it thought I was it's mother or something. I know, odd indeed.
June 22, 2010 at 18:09

The occasional relapse

Jeremy Melchior Does it bother anybody else that you will never, ever see your own face? Reflections, images, drawings of it yes, but never your actual face.
September 29, 2010 at 13:21

There are the occasional spattering of lunacy from here on out, all the way up to the present day, but it's all very standard by my brains measurment.  Nothing that's been quite so ferociously and vigourously abundant as it is was in 2009 and 2010.  So if oyu met me in 2009 or 2010, I apologize, you met me a a very strange time in my life.  Cue the pixies.  "where is my mind?"


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